1. Mismatched libidos?
One of you feels like sex way more than the other? If you are nodding as you read this can I suggest that you first remind yourself that this is actually a pretty common phenomenon. You are not alone. It is so common in fact I think we all need to just add it to our list of other relationship “hurdles” that us mere mortals have to work through, such as snoring partners, early risers versus night owls and when one needs no blankets in bed and the other needs two. What do we do? We have to compromise. Talk about it. Try and take the emotion out of it. How do you make other decisions?
We all come into the relationship with these. Sometimes we are aware of them, other times we are not. Most often a lot of ours don’t match our partners. Why? Because we are all unique. As is our sexuality. At the beginning of a relationship when we are in the “honeymoon phase” we don’t often notice them. It is usually later when we come up for air and realise we need to go to work, see our friends and family, that we also see our differences. We’ve got to relax them. Real life relationship sex is rarely like the movies. Or porn for that matter. One is pretend the other (our relationships) are real life.
3. You are not in charge of someone else’s orgasms.
This relates to number one. Despite what society seems to allude to, it is not your job to get someone off sexually, even if you are married to them. Of course sometimes we might enjoy sexually pleasing partners but that is different than feeling that we are expected to. The best thing you can do is take charge of your own sexual pleasure. Own it, if you are aroused and your partner isn’t that does not mean they have to join you in sexual activity. Stop getting annoyed at them. If they weren’t hungry and you were would you make them eat food just because you wanted it? No, you wouldn’t. That idea is just some made up rule that tends to dominate societal ideals around sexual activity. Bin that one, now.
4. Quit the silent treatment.
Speak up, communicate. It is the golden rule. Often when I see clients more than half of the sexual “issues” are about stuff that is not even remotely about sex. If something else is bothering you and you continue to ignore it, it’s going to fester, you could become resentful then that plays out in your sexual relationship. Sort it out, talk or get counselling.
5. Personal hygiene.
Ok… So this one is simple. Look after yourself. Whilst I agree with the sentiment behind the saying “we should love our partner, warts and all” (no STI pun intended) Having said that seriously, cut your toenails, brush your teeth, shower often, wear deodorant and change your underwear. It’s polite.