Monogamy, often seen as the holy grail of “normal” relationship conduct is touted by many societies around the world as the only acceptable way to “do” a relationship, despite the fact that for many of us, it can often be one of the hardest things we will ever have to do.

Now, I bet you didn’t like reading that line did you? Yes I know, like most of my clients do when I say that to them, I bet you cringed? Or, if like many others I talk to, you are at the beginning of a relationship (or in the stage that sexologist’s and sex therapists refer to as the honeymoon phase, or limerence) you’ll tell me I don’t know what am talking about. Or maybe you’ll just stick your fingers in your ears and pretend you didn’t hear me at all.

I like to use food a lot in my sexual analogies and tell many of my clients “Look, if you really love vegemite sandwiches  and someone told you that you would need to eat one every day for the rest of your life, you might want to try peanut butter every now and then?”

Now, this doesn’t mean you don’t want vegemite sandwiches at all or that you will stop eating said vegemite sandwiches but yes, you might need to introduce some peanut butter to the menu every now and then to help you “long” for those vegemite sangers despite your deep love for them.

Monogamy is not for everyone but if you are one of the millions of people who signed up for it, here are a few tips to help reignite that passion you experienced in the very beginning of your relationship.

  1. Identify the time that you are most likely to be aroused. There is no point expecting that you will want to have sex at 11pm at night after a full day of work/children/house duties/ family if you find you’re actually at your most aroused in the morning.
  2. Hang out separately. Ok so now you are probably thinking what? More time apart? Yes. This can help. Seeing your partner as an independent person in their own right can really remind you what attracted you to them in the first place.
  3. Having said that – spending time together is a very important too. I don’t mean just hanging at home on the couch or with the kids, I mean going on date nights, recreating some of your first memories or another really great tip is to actually create a new memory, such as doing something really thrilling together, so you experience all that adrenalin/heart racing and fun with your partner (ride a roller coaster, hike a new track, dive with sharks, join a dance class, attend a cooking class etc.)
  4. Keep a little mystery. Remember how much time you used to spend getting ready for dates when you were first together? You probably did some of those “prep” things like waxing, cutting toenails, fingernails, shaving etc. alone and NOT in front of your partner. Whilst there is definitely something very intimate about being comfortable doing those things in front of your partner, there is also much to be said about trying to keep a little mystery too.
  5. Change it up. Nothing gets the interest sparked like changing your everyday routine. It can be something simple like doing it on the lounge, getting up earlier or putting some music and candles in the bedroom.
  6. Talk about it. Talking about sex can be fun and exciting. Start talking in the morning when you get up, tell your partner what you want to do with them that night, that way a sexual build up can happen, the anticipation (that you used to experienced when you were first dating and couldn’t stop thinking of what you might do to each other before you saw each other next) sending sexy texts messages throughout the day can be fun too.
  7. Keep it spontaneous and exciting. Remember the days when you used to have long lunches or go to work late because you were so aroused you couldn’t wait any longer? Why not take a long lunch break and meet at home for some lunchtime sex? Or take the kids to school and right back home?

I hope some of these ideas help you reignite the passion!  If you would like any more help in this area please feel free to call the practice to make an appointment time.

Naomi Hutchings

Clinical Sexologist