The moment arrives without warning. Suddenly, your life cleaves into a stark ‘before’ and ‘after’.
I remember the first time I truly understood what it meant to have my world fundamentally altered. That instant when something so significant happens that nothing will ever be quite the same again. A Big Bad, as I’ve come to think of these life-altering moments, doesn’t discriminate. It could be a devastating loss, a shocking diagnosis, a relationship’s sudden collapse, or a trauma that leaves you reeling.
What I’ve learned – both through my own experiences and years of supporting others – is that these moments are less about the specific event and more about how they reshape our understanding of ourselves, others and the world around us.
The Landscape of Loss
Every ‘Big Bad’ carries with it a profound sense of loss. But this loss isn’t always about death or separation. Sometimes, it’s more subtle: a loss of a sense of safety, of certainty, of the comfortable narrative we’ve constructed about our lives. We humans are creatures of routine, moving through our days with an unspoken belief that tomorrow will more or less resemble today and that nothing extremely out of the ordinary is likely to happen to us. A Big Bad shatters that illusion.
In the immediate aftermath, your internal world becomes a turbulent sea. Emotions crash against each other – shock, anger, fear, grief – sometimes all within the same breath. Your body responds too, with physical sensations that might feel overwhelming: racing heart, trembling hands, a sense of being simultaneously frozen and electrified.
These responses are unpleasant and may feel disorienting, but they are our natural protective mechanisms – your body and mind are processing something extraordinary, something that we as humans were not likely designed to have experienced.
Finding Your Anchor
When the emotional storms hit, we need strategies to hold ourselves steady. One approach I frequently utilise with clients (and myself) is the ‘dropping anchor’ technique:
- Acknowledge: Notice and acknowledge your thoughts and feelings without judgment
- Connect: Bring yourself back into your physical body
- Engage: Focus on what you’re doing in the present moment
This isn’t about controlling or even changing your emotions – that’s impossible. It’s about allowing you to hold steady through the storm, preventing your emotions from completely controlling you.
The Paradox of Connection
Often our instinct after a Big Bad is to withdraw, to hibernate. There’s a certain safety in isolation. But humans are fundamentally social beings, and complete withdrawal can amplify our suffering.
The key is finding a balanced approach to connection. What does supportive connection look like for you? It might be:
- A brief coffee with a trusted friend
- A text message exchange
- Simply being in the presence of someone who cares
Experiments in Healing
There’s no universal roadmap for healing. What works for one person might feel entirely wrong for another. Some find solace in talking, others in being outside, listening to music or moving their body. The critical thing is to experiment gently and honestly with yourself – the previous tools you utilised may need tweaking or adjusting after this particular ‘big bad’.
Research suggests that maintaining some routine – movement, nutrition, rest and interaction – can provide subtle but significant support during challenging times. But remember, this isn’t about perfection. It’s about compassionate self-care and doing what feels right for you in that specific moment of time.
The Invitation of Acknowledgment
Perhaps the most profound step is simply acknowledging your pain. Not wallowing, not becoming consumed, but honestly recognising what you are feeling rather than fighting hard to push it away. Give yourself permission to acknowledge that right now, this is hard, this hurts..
Each day, try to do one small thing with the intention of kindness towards yourself. It doesn’t need to be grand – a hot cup of tea, a moment looking at the sky, wearing a piece of clothing that feels good.
A Closing Reflection
Remember, that in time, a Big Bad doesn’t define you, but it will inevitably change you. Your journey is uniquely yours. Be patient. Be kind. Keep moving, even if it’s just a single, small step.
Coping with life-altering events takes time and may benefit from professional support. If you feel you might need some guidance on this journey of adapting to such big changes, our practitioners at Attuned Psychology are available to support you through this.
Nicole Hendry, Registered Psychologist
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